When you leave..

I know you’re really worried about what will happen when you leave me. I will be okay. I will have more frequent depressed days, I won’t smile and laugh as often again, it will take more to remind me what I’m fighting for, but I will be okay. I will question everything all over again. I will wonder if I’m going to die alone because the only person I want thinks I’m too sick, too.. Much to handle. To be with. To take care of. I will get lonely. I will start sleeping on the floor again. Too tired to change my clothing, awake for hours just staring at the ceiling fan as it spins, allowing it to whisk away the screams one beat at a time away from my mind. I will dress up every morning, paste my glamorous half smile, all fake, on my face and take the day second by second, passing you in the hall, praying to a god I’m not completely sure I believe in anymore, that he will have some tender mercy and allow your cologne to blow just slightly my way. I will go back to my shadowy self. I’m sure of it, only you can bring the colors and the smiles out, but I will be okay. I will survive. You can leave. I’m not saying this so you will feel guilty and stay. I’m saying this so you’ll know what to expect. So you’ll know the reality of what me without you truly is. And thank god that you will never read this. That you’ll never really know. I don’t think you could handle ever doing what’s best for you if you knew. So if you must, leave. If it’s what’s best for you then I want it too, but if you want what’s best for me, oh sweet, dearest lord, please stay.

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