Anti Depressants

I’m going to begin this post by saying that this is my personal opinion FOR ME if you take anti depressants or your doctor recommends it or whatever at the very least try them. I am not trying to discourage people from using them, I’m just putting my reality out there.

You don’t get to change the color of your eyes, not really at least, right? Your DNA, your genes decide what color your eyes are, not you or anyone else for that matter. The same is true with depression. You don’t get to choose, just like Timmy (for lack of a name..not that Timmy is a bad name) didn’t choose to have brown eyes. So let’s say there is this lovely new pill out that allows you to change the color of your eyes for as long as you are taking it. At first maybe you look in the mirror and feel perhaps hopeful because that girl you like will just have to love you now because you have lovely, crystal, blue eyes. Then when your parents, friends, family, and Lisa (The girl Timmy wishes was his girl) see your new look they love it. They praise it and are so excited, but there’s just one problem. You don’t even feel like you have crystal, blue eyes. You feel like your eyes are browner than ever. When you look into the mirror you see a boy with even darker brown eyes. It isn’t working for YOU. You tell everyone that you think you are going to stop taking them, but when you tell them, they all panic and protest saying you look better than ever so that must mean that you are doing better than ever. They don’t understand and honestly, how could they? They haven’t been trying to have a different eye color. How could they possibly understand? All they see is what they like and so they force you into taking it. You can’t do anything now. Everything is ruined. No one understands and you’re still being forced to pretend. Only those around you win while you are more miserable than ever. That is how my antidepressants make me feel. They don’t help me, they only hurt me.

 

Once again. I know that antidepressants work for a lot of people. I know that there are other antidepressants out there that may work for me. I’m just stuck right now and this post is kind of my way of dealing with it. Don’t stop taking your medication if it’s working for you! -Unless you’re addicted then you should probably get some help and talk to someone. Seriously. Pill addiction isn’t nothing. If you think you’re addicted, speak up.     Thank you for your oh so precious time.

Paying Dues and Porcelain Gods

My stomach
More and more frequently
Has decided to
Pay its debt to
The silky white
Porcelain Gods.
I always feel it coming.
I get on my knees
Pull the seat up
Try to hold my hair back
And give up the fight
With the nasty bile
That has filled my
Throat, and it feels, lungs.
I wretch.
I stand
Wipe my face.
Then suddenly I’m back to my knees.
Today is different.
I keep going to my knees.
Trying to wipe my mouth,
Trying to stop sneezing,
Burning liquids projecting from my nose.
Finally after what must be hours
I get in the shower
And then I’m back on my knees
Wondering how much my stomach has left.
I keep wretching.
Again and again.
I watch my nutrients leave me.
Eventually I lie there just dry heaving.
When I’m finally done
I feel so-
Weak
Dazed
Childlike
Disgusted
And the pain.
That never ending. Empty. Pain.
Please leave.
I’ll ask once more.
Please.
I feel as though I have paid
All my dues to the porcelain gods.

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I will always be here. Always. I won't give up on you. I know how it hurts to trust someone and have them leave. I know. I will try to always be here. Please, if you need someone or you just are lonely or whatever just comment on here or email me at namesdontmatter19@yahoo.com. seriously. I am and always will do my best to be here.

Secrets

I keep debating about whether or not I should put my secrets in here. It would not only be bad for me if I did and someone found out that it was me who was running this blog, but also if one of my parents or siblings happened to look through my iPod, or kindle. Do I tell my whole story, the real one, or just the one that some know? Do I reveal me, or the face I put on for every single person I have come in contact with? Do I make this my outlet or keep falling? What do I do?